Trip to the Mall
by dee768nj
Summary: Humorous one-shot from a different point of view. Neither cupcake nor babe, no ship, just Grandma Mazur driving Uncle Sandor's Buick to the mall. Done as a challenge response.


Rosa's Lost challenge (1) The scenario - two or more Plum characters in a wood, any reason for being there. (2) The concept - tell a story which includes the word 'lost' as a theme.

_A/N: What is it about being lost that inspires us to write in the present tense? I don't know, but I love it! I think this one meets both the scenario and the concept, too._

_Disclaimer: Not my characters, not making any money._

**Trip to the Mall**

By Dee

Huh.

Sure are a bunch of trees.

I didn't think there was a forest on the way to Quaker Bridge.

I thought sure this here road was a shortcut to the mall. And I really need to get me one of them push-up bras that Victoria's Secret has on sale this week. And a matching thong for my big date with Earl Ampisario on Friday.

That Earl's a real hottie. I heard from Lavern Stankowski who heard from Lorraine Zupek that he bought a whole box of extra-large condoms in red, white and blue from Pleasure Treasures. Imagine that! You gotta love a patriot.

Maybe I should have stayed on the highway.

But the last time I drove on the highway, good Lord, must have been three years ago, I got two tickets, one for going too slow and another one for not staying in my lane. Who knew they gave tickets for going too slow? Too fast I can understand, but too slow?

I wonder if I should turn around.

But I hate to turn around. I already saw all those trees once. If I just keep going I'm bound to come to a town. Then I can stop and ask for directions.

Harry would never stop and ask for directions. Isn't that just like a stupid man?

Sometimes I really miss Harry. Even if he couldn't get it up those last couple of years he always made sure I was taken care of. He was a good man.

I'm getting pretty sick of all these trees. Time to put the pedal to the metal and get the heck outta the woods.

Whoops!

What in the Sam Hill is a cop doing way out here in the middle of nowhere?

Okay, okay, buddy, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm stopping, I'm stopping. All right, already!

Wish he'd turn those stupid lights off. All that red and blue flashing is making me a little dizzy.

And what the heck is he waiting for? Why doesn't he get out and come give me my ticket? Then maybe he can give me directions to the mall.

Wish this car had a better radio. Sandor spared no expense when he bought it, but they only had AM radio back in the fifties. Can't hardly get nothing on AM anymore. Just stupid talk shows and shock jocks.

Maybe I can find a talk show about sex. Whatever happened to Dr. Ruth? She used to be on the radio, but I haven't heard her in years. I liked listening to her because she wasn't afraid to tell it like it is. Not all uptight and stick-up-the-butt the way everyone is nowadays.

Well, it's about time. And wowie-zowie, he's a looker. And that package… We're definitely not in Trenton anymore, Toto.

"Howdy there, Officer Cutie. What can I do you for?"

"License, registration, and insurance card, please, ma'am."

Uh-oh. I really should have gone and gotten my license back. Well, the registration and insurance card oughta be in the glove compartment. Uh-huh, right where they belong.

"Here you go, honey."

"Ma'am, I still need your driver's license."

Uh-oh.

"Well, you see, honey, I just don't happen to have it. I had it, but I don't have it now. Can't we just overlook that for the time being? I can get it to you in a couple of weeks, once I get it back. Do you mind waiting?"

"I see this car is registered to, uh, Helen Plum. Are you Mrs. Plum?"

Oh, yeah, I forgot the car is registered in Helen's name so that it can be covered under Frank's insurance policy.

"Helen's my daughter. My name is Edna Mazur, M-A-Z-U-R."

"I'll be back in a moment, Mrs. Mazur. Please wait here."

Well, that's a fine kettle of fish. Now he's back in his car again. And the stupid lights are still flashing. Red and blue, red and blue, red and blue. Very patriotic. Just like Earl's condoms.

Darn politics. That's all they're talking about on the radio. I'm really sick of politics. Whatever happened to good old sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll? But I do think that Hilary Clinton is a real pip. I wouldn't mind if she got elected President. That's just what this country needs, a woman in charge.

I wonder if I'm too old to run for President.

Maybe I have a magazine in my bag so I can read while I'm waiting.

Huh, I really need to clean this out. There are an awful lot of candy wrappers in here. Must be from last week when Stephanie drove me to the Cut'n'Curl and she spotted Randy Sklar. We ended up following him and waiting outside Hooters while he ate his lunch and then taking him in to the station.

That was a fun time. I sure wish Stephanie took me with her to pick up skips more often. And that girl really knows how to eat.

I sure could use a candy bar right about now. It's been a long time since breakfast, and I'm feeling a little peckish. And my kiester is getting numb sitting here.

Well, finally, here comes that hot-looking policeman again. It's about time.

"Please step out of the car, ma'am."

What the heck?

"Why?"

"Mrs. Mazur, you don't have a driver's license. Your license was suspended three years ago for multiple violations. So I'm going to need you to step out of the car."

Darn it all. He's probably not going to let me drive home. I wonder if Stephanie can come pick me up. I'd really hate for Helen to find out I was driving alone. I'll never understand how I gave birth to such a prig.

Oh, man, my knees are killing me. You get to be my age and things start giving out. Well, at least I'm not one of those old feebs with a walker yet.

"Mrs. Mazur, please lock up your car. We'll make arrangements to have it towed into the station."

Okay, okay, locking the car.

It sure is quiet out here in the woods.

Wait a minute, what's that rustling?

"Omigod, snake, snake!"

It's a big black one, and it's coming right toward us. I need Elsie and I need her fast. Ahh, here she is. Come to mama, baby. Good thing I cleaned her and reloaded this morning.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Jeepers, creepers, must be something wrong with this gun. I don't usually miss by that much. Well, at least that scared the snake and he slithered off into the woods.

"Drop the gun, RIGHT NOW!"

Holy, moly! What the heck is Officer Cutie doing pointing his gun at me?

"Okay, okay, I'm dropping her. But didn't you see that big snake? Why didn't you shoot that sucker yourself?"

"Is your weapon registered, and do you have a license to carry concealed, Ma'am?"

"Sure, honey. Right here."

Where the heck is that AARP card? Damn, I can't find it.

"I must have misplaced it, honey. But I'm sure if you just talk with Officer Joseph Morelli from the Trenton Police Department he'll tell you I'm okay, that I have a license, registration, whatever the heck I need."

"Please give me your hands, Ma'am."

Hot damn! Handcuffs! And he's putting me in the cage in the back of his police car. Imagine that. He's taking me to jail!

Guess I'll have to call Vinnie Plum to come bail me out.

Wait till I tell the girls down at the Cut'n'Curl!

_The End_


End file.
